7 signs your relationship has turned into an episode of Judge Judy

Most relationships don’t implode because someone forgot an anniversary or sent the wrong WhatsApp in capital letters; they unravel because conversations slowly stop being conversations. Instead, they become investigations where one partner gathers evidence while the other prepares a defence before Judge Judy. Before long, nobody is really talking anymore. They’re building court cases instead.

Before long, nobody is actually listening to one another either, and they are not talking in an engaged manner. Here are seven warning signs that your relationship has stopped talking and started becoming a courtroom.

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Every question already has a guilty verdict attached

“Why did you do that?” sounds innocent enough in any communication. That is, until you realise the answer doesn’t matter because the conclusion has already been reached. Once someone’s motives are assumed instead of explored, the conversation is over before it begins.

This can be particularly true, too, when the verdict is assumed before the argument starts. “You always do this”, and “it’s always the case with you” resonate with many couples who’ve slipped into Judge Judy mode.

Intentions no longer count

You buy your partner flowers because you love them. Then, you make them coffee in bed because you thought it was a kind gesture. You may send a colleague a picture of something so innately inane but easily misinterpreted by the LPA or Lover’s Prosecuting Authority.

No matter the intent, a partner may feel that everything becomes evidence of something imagined to be more sinister. Living under that microscope is exhausting and is not conducive to a healthy relationship.

You stop sharing the small things

Many people assume their relationship partners become secretive because they’re hiding something or stop sharing and communicating because they’re paying attention to someone else. However, the opposite is often true.

They stop talking because every little detail becomes another debate or a criticism. Eventually, silence feels safer than another cross-examination by the LPA. That’s not healthy, and a union forged in love could turn it into an emotional hot mess.

No real winners in an argument. Picture iStock Every disagreement hauls out the past

No argument stays where it started. A discussion about a phone call suddenly includes the dog, the holiday three years ago, something you said to your mother and a birthday nobody enjoyed because maybe your mood was off.

If every disagreement becomes a history lesson, no fight is ever resolved as every old grievance gets dragged into the room until nobody can remember what the original argument was about. Communication is key at this point. Better communication.

Appreciation disappears

Relationships don’t survive on grand romantic gestures because these are few and far between and, with the economy as it is, the distance is even greater. Instead, relationships survive on tiny acknowledgements like a simple thank you. An “I noticed”. An “I appreciate that or you.”

When every effort is met with criticism or no recognition, the risk is that the partnership just stops progressing and they stop caring. It’s the little things that stand the test of time and leave an aftertaste, unless you’re chasing selfies and not something a wee bit deeper.

The defence commences without charges laid

When anyone starts anticipating criticism before it even surfaces, it can make every interaction start off on a negative note. Nobody wants to feel on the defensive every moment of every day. When this happens, every explanation becomes longer, and conversations start to feel like giving evidence in court.

Conversely, the other person immediately sees the defensiveness and inevitably Judge Judys it with deeper, suspicious probing, even when there is nothing to see. Nobody is heard, nobody ends up being understood.

You stop assuming the best about each other

This is usually where the real trouble starts in relationships between couples. Healthy couples give each other the benefit of the doubt at all times, while challenged relationships see couples give each other the benefit of suspicion.

Every late reply, every phone call, every conversation with someone else suddenly carries hidden meaning. Either as the party hiding something, or the one making accusations. Trust isn’t destroyed by one dramatic event nearly as often as it’s chipped away by a thousand assumptions.

Relationships are not won in front of Judge Judy and should never end up being a courtroom drama. It turns both the prosecution and the defence into the biggest losers because love cannot conquer all when relationships become a self-fulfilling prophecy. But when you become cognisant of the problem and address it, then love can climb the mountain and summit victoriously.

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