3 Signs You and Your Partner Are Falling Into ‘Roommate Syndrome’ (and How to Fix It)
· Vice
When it comes to long-term relationships, it’s easy to fall into a rut and become complacent. However, this behavior can destroy even the best and healthiest connections. Experts call this “roommate syndrome,” and it’s not as lighthearted as it might sound.
What Is ‘Roommate Syndrome’ in Dating?
In dating, roommate syndrome refers to the dynamic between a couple who operate more as roommates than actual partners. This is a common experience when partners decide to move in together.
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“After the adjustment period, a level of comfortability settles in as the partners become accustomed to living with each other and their routines,” Julia Tehovnik, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LCPC) in Chicago, IL, and founder of Take Care Psychotherapy Services, told VICE. “The thrill of spending the night together and waking up to your loved one in your bed becomes replaced with the familiarity of sharing a bed every night. The excitement of meeting them out at a restaurant for a dinner date is replaced by the same rotating weekday meals. Time spent together becomes time spent watching TV shows or staring at separate screens on the same couch.”
As Tehovnik puts it, just because you might be spending more time with your person doesn’t mean the time is of high “quality.”
“Over time, intimacy becomes less and less important and becomes harder and harder to initiate since it would be a break in the routine,” she says.
Signs You’re Falling Into ‘Roommate Syndrome’
According to Tehovnik, here are three signs you and your partner are becoming more like roommates rather than lovers.
1. Passivity
While it’s important to feel comfortable with your partner, this can quickly turn into passivity, which might make your partner feel as though you’re disinterested or apathetic to their presence.
“This can look like a lack of interest in one another, or a lack of initiation,” says Tehovnik. “While this might specifically relate to passivity in the intimacy arena, it can also look like a lack of interest in talking about each other’s days, not caring about what is for dinner, and being passive about spending time together.”
2. Decreased Spicy Time
Intimacy is important in relationships, especially if you both have strong sexual needs. However, when you fall into roommate syndrome, you might notice you and your partner no longer putting effort into your sex life.
“It is inevitable that the rate of spicy fun time together will decrease,” Tehovnik points out. However, “The sign to look out for is when you or your partner start to put off spicy time, assuming it will just happen later. Or when either of you start to make excuses that you previously wouldn’t have made.”
3. Routine
It’s easy to fall into routines with your partner, which is a quick way to become complacent and take each other for granted.
“Don’t get me wrong, routines can be great, but they can also be a trap,” says Tehovnik. “As humans, we prioritize safety, and feeling comfortable makes us feel safe. Unfortunately, this prevents us from growing and experiencing the fullness of life.”
“With our cohabitating partners, we might start to incorporate them into our routines and see them as just another part of our days, not a loving partner to interact and grow with,” she adds.
Ways to Prevent or Address ‘Roommate Syndrome’
Now that you know the signs of roommate syndrome, here are some ways to prevent or address it in your relationship.
1. Change the Environment
One of the best ways to address roommate syndrome is by getting out of your normal routine and environment.
“Go for a walk, go on a date, get outside, or go on a trip,” says Tehovnik. “This does not have to be extensive to be effective. A change in the environment can break up the routine and help the sparks reunite by seeing your partner in a different light in a different place.”
2. Plan Ahead
Rather than continuing on the same strict schedule, try to plan fun activities, trips, or date nights to spice up your relationship.
“Schedule dates ahead of time, and maybe start scheduling spicy time, too,” Tehovnik says. “Giving each other something to look forward to can increase excitement and anticipation, which spices things right up.”
3. Reintegrate Physical Touch
Physical touch is important in most romantic relationships, and it shouldn’t always be sexual. Things like cuddling, kissing, holding hands, and even playing footsies under the dinner table can strengthen your connection.
“Consent is mandatory, but start integrating physical contact throughout the day. A lingering kiss before work in the morning, a midday dance break in the kitchen on a WFH day, a hug to celebrate finishing work upon returning home, and cuddling on the couch are great points of reentry,” says Tehovnik. “In summary, never stop dating your partner. It might take some intention, but it is worth the investment to keep the spark alive.”
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