How to Watch the World Cup as a Fan of a Big Ten Team
· Yahoo Sports
Can you ethically watch the World Cup? You already watch college football, so…
You may have heard a soccer tournament is about to happen. It was news to me, but there you go.
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The World Cup starts today, and one of the questions I get constantly—don’t fact check that—as the premier college footballBig TenNorthwestern Don’t Watch This; Watch That-writing blogger left in the SB Nation family of networks: “But oh, MNWildcat, you know so much about what bad football games to watch! Do those same principles apply to the World Cup?”
My friend: THEY DO!
BUT! You need to make informed decisions—not about what to watch, but how to watch. (Inebriated, obviously, but that’s only a start.)
To help you do that, over the next few days I’ll be rolling out the occasional preview of a World Cup team or four—whoever’s playing that day—along with an accurate* Big Ten** comparative to help you discern whether you should root for that team or not. Do with that information what you will.
Is there a reason for doing this? Of course not, other than contractual obligations—and remember, it’s that attitude, (possibly) coming soon to an app near you!
How to Watch the World Cup
Look, let’s start here:
There’s no real ethical way to do this, as our friend the sentient otter has noted. This sucks, we suck, things aren’t terribly fun right now, maybe more war tonight, etc etc etc etc etc. If you are of the ilk that we can’t possibly focus on sports right now or that by participating in the World Cup economy it means that we’re in some way complicit with it, congratulations. You’ve got me.
In the meantime, I’m gonna watch soccer, make dick jokes, and/or get overly excited about the weird nicknames of World Cup debutants and tertiary countries, if that’s cool with you.
Where’s this on TV?- On TV: FOX, Telemundo, Universo
- Streaming: FOX One, Peacock (Spanish only), Prime Video, Telemundo Deportes en Vivo
Telemundo. Wholeheartedly, Telemundo. (Or Peacock)
Look—if you’re the kind of person who needs analysis or a language you can understand, you’ll need to watch on FOX or the FOX One app. I can’t help you there.
You’ll note that you’ll have to watch on FOX One, and not FOX Sports, because in March your Fair and Balanced Leader decided to scrap their sports app in favor of a one-stop shop for all your racism masquerading as political chatter. You see, it wasn’t bad enough that those people and places existed, now in order to watch any FOX sporting properties—as I used to do with Aussie Rules Football—you need to wade through ad after ad and link after link to Gutfield and his band of merry shits-for-brains. And that’s before you get to the FOX studio, which is going to feature noted shits-for-brains-in-arms Carli Lloyd and Alexi Lalas—both of whom are, now, B1G.
That blows.
So, I recommend dusting off your eighth-grade Spanish and firing up Peacock—which is promising an immersive and engaging experience (when has that ever gone wrong)—or Telemundo and enjoying some actual enthusiasm behind the calls to each game. (I reserve the right to be wrong about this, but none of the FOX match play-by-play announcers and analysts do much for me. If you hear “45 minutes down, 45 minutes to go!!!” it’s John Strong and you should run, because that means Stu Holden is about to talk.)
Plus, y’know, you pick up a few words. And the “GOL!” calls are great.
So what’s the Big Ten angle?
Well, friend, what I’d put to you is that some of the queasiness you feel about the World Cup is similar to what you feel about the state of college football. (Again, I’d refer you to the writings of the Irish/mustelidaelian poet Al Ma O’Ter on this subject.)
Broadly, in the wider cash grab that is…well, sports…these days, the World Cup and college football have traveled on parallel tracks: diluting the product in favor of a wider playoff with less-qualified teams entering and increasingly willing by the day to skirt any semblance of purporting to give a shit about ethics, human rights, basic fundamental fucking laws, or even the consumer.
…you don’t really seem to get that this is supposed to be “fun”.No, my Heading 4-sized interlocutor, I sure don’t.
Look, see the Bors cartoon above. I am participating in society. I’m going to enjoy the fun stories of teams like Cape Verde—go Blue Sharks!—and Curacao—go Blue Wave!—and possibly even some non-blue-themed teams. I’m going to watch ridiculous feats of athleticism and have them shouted at me in a language that I eschewed in high school in favor of the ridiculously-more-practical German.
I will do it, often, quite bitterly.
But what could be more B1G than that?
Historical Big Ten comparatives for Mexico, South Africa, South Korea, and Czechia coming soon enough. Stay tuned.